stay with me for a bit...

I'm knee-deep in applications at the moment...

FUCKUSED

I would like to introduce a new word: fuckus.

It is when you are focused because you feel fucked.

If you ever want to make me cry...

I'm not a huge sap but I'm also not made out of stone. I cry at some movies, and I roll my eyes at others.

There is one theme, though, that will constantly twist the inside of my throat, and that is the theme of parents. I don't necessarily respond to all themes that come with parents, specifically the negative ones, mostly because I don't identify with the experience of having bad parents. I know I'm extremely lucky in that sense.

I will instantly cry if I see a scene where the parent shows unconditional love to their child. It can come in any form, but it will strike me the most when the parent-child relationship is strained in a normal way (the type that might stick around during the child's teenage years), and is solved in a non-grandiose quiet thing uttered by the parent. This reminds me most of my parents, and it almost always makes me cry.

One of the most poignant quotes uttered by a fictional character that really made me bawl was from an episode of "The West Wing". President Bartlett and his middle daughter experience some tension, and the daughter mentions how she doesn't know how to make the President happy. During a movie screening, he quietly tells her, "The only thing that you ever had to do to make me happy was come home at the end of the day."

TEAR. I mean, I don't stand a chance with a quote like that. I cry like a baby when I hear a line like that because I am so lucky to have parents that feel that way about me. They didn't raise me in a Western way where "YOU'RE SO SPECIAL YOU'RE SO BEAUTIFUL I LOVE YOU HONNNEEYY" was an everyday thing. Their main teaching was to be a responsible person no matter what decision I made. But they allowed me to make my own decision and allowed me to royally fuck up on multiple levels, and still be there for me.

After the test, my parents emailed me to let me know that they were proud because they knew that I had tried as much as I could. No matter the result, I know I am an extremely lucky person to have parents like them who will be happy enough when I come home to them at the end of the day - sometimes figuratively, sometimes literally.

When you try and try

I didn't post yesterday, but I wanted to be as prepared as possible for my LSATs.

I did not do well.

It wasn't as disastrous as last time, but it's also not a gut feeling. I actually ran out of time and had to guess on a significant part of one of the sections. It's OK, though. I'm not retaking it. I'm going to take it as is, since this is what my capability is.

I'm going to apply to law school still, but I can't help but wonder why I keep doing poorly on something I know I can do well in. I have never tried so much and not get too far.

I don't know what my score is, and I won't know until January, so no real reason to dwell on it. But, just for tonight, I can't help but feel like a failure. I know I'm not. But I can't help but feel like one.

I am certainly a believer that all things happen for a reason. Some how, this is going to work out and I'm going to find out what I'm supposed to do and I'll do it.

In the meantime, I'm going to take a look at myself...

(and show off my new camera while I'm at it). ( I need to clean my mirrors and make my bed...)

Tonight, I'm going to feel bad for myself while watching Toy Story 3. I've never seen it and I either have interests of a 65 year-old (Medicare) or a child (cartoons). I thought it was the farthest thing from real shit that I have to deal with now, so that's my way of dealing with it.

Tomorrow, I'm going to snap out of it and get myself together and work with what I got!

I hope

the Senate passes the Dream Act tomorrow. Sadly, I'm not holding my breathe. But... who knows!!!

Math

Pretend that I'm writing this last night!

I try not to get political on public forums. This is the internet, so this is a public forum. I'm not huge on professing my personal political views, because I value neutrality in a lot of ways and want people to feel comfortable expressing their views to me without fear of my judgement. I've made exceptions when I feel really strongly about it, but I try not to be too preachy.

When I heard about the extension of the Bush era tax cut the morning of the 7th, I was genuinely confused. I was confused with the deal and what the Republicans think is good for Americans. The Bush era tax cut is extended - loss of revenue. They lowered Social Security pay roll - more loss of revenue towards the Social Security trust fund. They agreed to the extension of unemployment benefits - more spending. I know that the extension of the unemployment benefits was a compromise that the Republicans made. But I just don't understand how the Republicans want to control the national deficit without tax revenue. Isn't this simple math? If you don't want to subtract, but want to decrease a negative, you have to add.

This isn't an attack on the GOP. I just want an explanation. I want to understand how the GOP maintains the belief of small government and small taxes. I'm so confused right now with where the country is going, it makes my head spin. I also am confused with how some progressive liberal economists are encouraging constant spending, saying that it's stimulating, so my confusion is bipartisan.

SOMEONE. EXPLAIN BEFORE MY HEAD EXPLODES!

Tweet tweet.

I hate the word Twitter. I hate the verb tweet even more. I also don't like the verb blog. Why do all tech words sound like they're uttered by 2 ft alien munchkins? I just can't take myself seriously when I utter those words.

Nonetheless.

I love Twitter. I was hesitant at first about jumping on the bandwagon, especially because I'm usually not one to have my finger on the pulse of pop culture. However, Twitter has opened up to me for 2 big reasons:

1. It is the greatest way to voice a complaint against a company. I have bitched (nicely and respectfully) to NYC MTA, LA County Voter's Registration Office, and Orbitz and have gotten immediate responses to fix any issues I've had. I would have never gotten that kind of attention if I had left a comment or sent an email.

2. It has given my (brief) direct contact to people I admire from afar. My first celebrity @reply was from Mark Bittman, who is one of my favorite cookbook writers and columnist from the NY Times. I have gotten someone friendly with a blogger from my FAVORITE food blog Seriouseats.com. Today, I got a direct @reply from one of my biggest friend-crush of all time - Mr. Jay Smooth at Underground Railroad on WBAI radio station. The are all really little moments, but it makes me feel that much closer to these people I look up to.

There are other reasons why I think Twitter is amazing. When the Iran protest happened after the fraud election, seeing Iranian tweets all over Twitter sent shivers down my spine. It has also allowed me to stay in touch with some dear friends. I also like that not everyone in my personal network is following me on Twitter, which allows me to be a little more open and constant with my updates. (I do still use discretion...)

Anyhoo, the joy of getting an @reply from Jay Smooth triggered this post tonight. It makes me giddy that his @reply to me is still his latest update. I'm going to go to bed with that small happiness!

Delayed start.

I came back from Japan exactly a week ago, and I am still feeling the aftermath. I have done this trip so many times in my life but this is the worse jet lag I've experienced in the last several years. I can fall asleep at a regular hour-ish now, but I constantly feel sleep deprived, regardless of how much I sleep.

Because of this dilemma, I woke up much later than I usually do this morning. Sunday is supposed to be a day of rest, but it really isn't. Sunday is the day before Monday when you're supposed to get all errands completed to attack the week. The more I work, the more I value an efficient Sunday. I know this makes me sound like a militant crazy person, but it has worked the last couple of years.

This morning, I woke up about 2 hrs later than I usually do, despite going to bed the night before no later than normal. It felt so wasteful, and I started thinking about how everything was going to be pushed back. But then I noticed how clear my brain felt and, despite cursing myself for waking up, how relaxed my body felt. I laid in bed remembering the days in high school when my mom practically had to literally kick me out of bed to get the day started. I don't know where that girl went. That girl had the laziest Sundays in the world. I used to do jack shit.

I want my lazy-do-jack-shit Sundays back. Granted, those days were also when my mom did all of my cooking, and the only thing I had to take care of was completing my homework. I also didn't always finish my homework. Life was so simple then, and I couldn't even fully do what I was supposed to.

When I'm home for the holidays, it feels like those times of lazy ass days. I can't friggin wait. 20 more days!

I'm wide awake today.

If you didn't notice, I wrote last night's post in near delirium. Ever since I started working, once the clock passes 10PM, I start to lose consciousness and can barely keep my eyes open.

I, however, am wide awake today because "Mean Girls" was on and anything Tina Fey writes will keep me up.

Today marks a week from my test. I've literally been studying for this test for the last 3 years. I did less-than-ok the first time, might have done OK on the second or royally screwed up the second time (don't ask), and this is my third time. Third time better be the mother-effin charm. Things are feeling alright, though. And Legally Blonde is now on AGAIN, which makes the whole process seem so easy. I kid not - this movie was on right before my tests the lasts two times. TBS must know that this is school application time.

I am really lucky to have people who have supported me throughout this whole process. My fam bam gets me little charms that are meant for academic success. When I was in Japan, I got my fortune told at a temple. It came out really negative, but it was just a piece of paper that provided the bad fortune, so I'm not sweating it. When you get a bad fortune at a Japanese temple, you can tie it on this little rack to wish it away. You can see my determination to decide my own future in this picture:

I'm going to keep this spirit until the end of the year. Make my own fortune, biaatch!

It's 20 minutes into the 4th

but I'm still going to count is at the 3rd.

Although I bitched about how difficult the last couple of years have been, it hasn't been without joys. This past November, I got to go on some much anticipated trips that have honestly been some of the best times of my life.

The first is my mom's visit to the East Coast. She came to New York for a quick visit, and one of the things we did while she was here was going to Washington D.C. The last time I had gone to D.C. was when I was in 8th grade, when I didn't appreciate the importance of a capitol city. This time around, I couldn't get enough of it. Just seeing Capitol Hill and thinking about how laws are (supposed to be) made in the building sent shivers down my spine. More details of that later.

The second trip is a trip I made this past Thanksgiving to Japan. I went to Tokyo with one of my best pals Peter, and met up with my sibs and their plus ones. More on that later too.

I just wanted to mention today about those 2 trips because the were 2 bright spots of an otherwise difficult year. It's a reminder that it's been a descent year.

So, I had this idea...

...and I failed already.

I had this idea that I would blog everyday in December, because I couldn't believe it was already December, and I wanted to savor this holiday season as much as possible. It's December 2nd, and I've already missed one day.

Whatevs. Can't cry over spilled milk, and better fess up to the mess-up than not do anything at all.

SO! DECEMBER! WOWZAS!

I love the holiday season. I love the commercialism about it. I don't actively practice any religion, and Christmas isn't really a huge thing in my family, so I'm all about Xmas and it's shiny wasteful glory. I love the days that lead up to Xmas and New Year, and the anticipation up to it, and I want it to last as long as possible, because January 2nd is usually one of the most depressing days of the year. This is my sad attempt to do so.

Man, did this year pass quickly! I woke up on 1/1/2010, I blinked, and now it's December. WTF. This year for me was (again) one of lots of trials. I have to be honest. The last 3-4 years have not been the best. They weren't the worse, but they have been the years-of-trying-to-do-things-and-failing-miserably. I'm trying to do something again this year (applying to law school), and although I'm giving it all I have, I'm fully anticipating for an alternative outcome. (I'm not saying failure. It's too maddening.) I haven't been fully happy in the last 4 years, because I think I know what I want to do in life, but I can't get to where I need to be.

I'm not trying to sound depressed, because I'm also not wallowing in my sorrow. What a wasteful sack of shit of time. What I am trying to do is do everything in my power to try to achieve goals that I have for myself and GET. SOME . WHERE. I'm getting too old to fuck around, and I want to finally succeed in something that I put my heart into. I haven't been able to do that in a long ass time.

SO! This month is the last haul. It's the last month of the year, but it's also my last month of trying to get into law school (at least for this application cycle) and get my shit done. I wanted to start the month off with a bang and make sure I don't waste it.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!