Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Hope floats? Or sinks?

I'm a cynical person when it comes to romance, if you haven't already noticed. I'd prefer the term realist, if I had a choice, but apparently I do not.

With my already cynical mindset, I've recently been exposed to more fantasy/ideology shattering situations because of my job. Cheating men, abusive and manipulative husbands, and boyfriends who don't pay child support. Even with senior services, I see mostly women whose husbands have passed way ( because men really do die sooner), and I'm left with the conclusion that men in life are inconsequential, because we'll all be alone anyway.

I suppose this whole apathy has also been triggered by recent events with this guy (the details of which I refuse to reveal, because the insignificance of the entire event makes it not even worth mentioning). I was bitching about it to someone and bringing in the conclusion about how I can live without men because they'll die on me anyways. A little extreme, I admit, but I was trying to make a point. I argued that I should start getting used to taking care of myself and not needing companionship, because more likely then not, that will be the result of my life: solitude and independence. Judging from my track record (and without any irrational paranoia), it's more likely that I'll be by myself in the end, and each year I should work towards accepting that reality.

Then, my annoyingly positive friend (who is only my friend because she some how manages to also be my best friend while being a hopeless romantic) started scolding me saying that I'm too young to decide that, and if I have that disposition, then my life will really turn out that way, and that I shouldn't lose hope and give up.

That word. Hope.

I argued that there's no sense in having hope, when in the end all you have is disappointment if you are hopeful. She said, some things are worth being disappointed, and that's part of life. She asked me if I am sincerely okay with being hopeless, apathetic, and not willing to work towards anything remotely related to a romantic companionship.

The thing is, this whole thing is a dilemma in me because I think I do still have an ounce of hope, that perhaps, there is someone out there who will teach me companionship. I fear that I will not be able to get rid of that last ounce, and therefore if my future is regular solitude, I will not be able to live my life without some form of chronic cynicism, hence a general unhappiness. This brings me back to the original question of: why have hope? If I have nothing, then nothing will weigh me down.

But, as my friend reminded me, that is the ultimate form of cowardice attitude. You risk nothing so you have nothing. Hope will make you sink, but without sinking, you can't float, unless you tie yourself down.

It's all so fucking annoying. I tend to revert any moment of self-doubt/sadness to anger, so this whole thing makes me mad; especially because it makes me feel weak. Why wouldn't I be happy by myself? I should be strong enough by myself. I should have enough power in me to not seek things from other people. I have been for this long. At least, I've been fine without real support from some guy.

I don't seek anyone to complete me. That whole Jerry Maguire bullshit is not how I see relationships. I do believe in sharing, though, and maybe it has been something within me that hasn't allowed any sharing to happen. I'm just contemplating, still, if hope is worth having, and if so, for how long? When is it being a real person, and when does it become just plain foolish?

I'm not looking for an answer. I just wanted to ponder about this "out loud" (hence, online) and see how I feel on the other end.

Good night.

P.S. One disclaimer about this whole thing is that I do not believe the male species to be inconsequential. It may be hard to believe, but I have many positive men in my life, my father and brother to start. I'm strictly talking about the relationship aspect, and more specifically the relationship aspect with myself. This is just a hugely self-centered post, really. But hey, it's my blog.


Susanna said...

i have one hundred things to say about this and in fact am writing about them right now. will share when there is coherence. hope you are well. xo.

leelu said...

why can't you have both? why can't you be independent, strong lisa and be in a relationship?
wanting to be in a relationship does not make you weak. deciding that you are happy alone doesn't make you weak either. if anything knowing that you can be happy without a guy should make you feel strong. you can be strong and alone and happy, but still be open to the possibility of a relationship.
it's really hard sometimes and yeah, giving up hope is easier, but no matter what you do it's there. it's human nature to desire that intimate connection with someone, to have someone there to witness and share your life with, and thus that little desire will be there, that small hope that you will find someone.
it's frustrating because as women growing up as we have we are taught to be strong, independent and good on our own. why can't we be alone and happy? what is wrong with that? but at the same time we are bombarded with images of happy relationships and romantic comedies. and we want that. the reality is that relationships are hard and work - who wants that extra stress and annoyance?
and yet...as someone who is cynical and had gotten to the point of only that barely there inkling of hope and as someone who took a 3.5 year hiatus in between my last relationship and the one i just entered (after fighting against it for 2 months because i didn't want it) - there is something to be said for being in a relationship. as awesome as friends are, there is just that level of intimacy that you never have in just a friendship. our brains are crazy - there are actual enzymes, chemical reactions that happen when we are in relationships v. just with friends. desiring a connection with another person is not foolish.
okay...i don't even know what i am talking about and i am rambling. maybe i should have taken the susanna road and gone with coherence. you're an amazing, amazing person. at the end of the day, there isn't much more to say, alone or not.

Patrick said...

re: dying on you...

...date younger guys. :P

(hi lisa!)

Duubs said...

I never knew you thought of relationships like that. Maybe your use of the word companionship says a little about how you see it. I agree with your friend that you are too young to decide such things. Don't lose hope because hope is like rope, but with an H. I also agree that you might be playing it safe by not risking anything, but then you won't be getting anything in return. Love is like oxygen. Love is a many splendored thing. Love lifts us up where we belong. All you need is love. You should go on and live your plan, be happy, with life, with yourself, and everything else will come. But don't lose hope. It's like giving up. Maybe when you least expect someone worthy of you will come and happily ever after.

Carmen said...

okay email me what the fuck you are actually talking about

Anonymous said...

OMG. I too, like S, have a million things to say about this. But I'm not going to write them, because there will never be coherence about it with me. I hope other ponders are good ones. Cheers. Yvonne.